The gang's spokesman addressing reporters outside the Coral Key precinct. He is not, he says, the one in the middle.Photo: Wazel News
The Palmetto Bay clown gang, suspected in eleven break-ins across Coral Key this month, denied all of them on Tuesday in a statement that lasted ninety seconds, including the honk.
The spokesman, who gave his name only as "the one on the left," said the gang had "never picked a lock in its life," had "no interest in the contents of anyone's safe," and had been "at a birthday party the whole time," without specifying which birthday or whose.
The denials, in order
Asked about the Coral Key jeweller, the spokesman said no. Asked about the two pawn shops, he said no twice. Asked about the custard found on the floor of the Harbor Road bank, he said the custard "could be anyone's" and that "a lot of people carry custard."
He then denied things he had not been asked about, including the blimp crash at the golf final, the pelican's election to the harbor board, and "whatever happened on the freeway," before an associate in a smaller shoe whispered to him and he said the gang had "no comment on the freeway."
"We are a troupe. We are not a crew. The difference is one letter and about eleven years."
— The one on the left, clown gang spokesman
The precinct steps, after the press conference. Confetti remained for two days.
What the locksmiths say
Coral Key's locksmiths, who have been working overtime since the break-ins began, are less sure. "Every lock they got through had a balloon tied to it afterwards," said one, who asked not to be named because "they know where my van is." He said the balloons were "a nice touch, professionally," but did not help his insurance claim.
Police have declined to say whether the balloons are evidence. A detective told Wazel News the balloons "went down overnight" and the department "is not going to blow them back up."
Next steps
The gang has invited reporters to a second press conference on Friday "to deny some more things." Police have asked the public to report anyone seen carrying a ladder, a sack, or a tiny car with more people in it than the car should fit.
The spokesman closed by saying the gang "wishes Coral Key a safe and secure autumn," then released a dove, which turned out to be a pigeon, which turned out to be fine.